hastsmak

Screw you all
but thankyou for the lessons & reflections
But you undo kindness of a lifetime by doing one evil deed
but you dont get it, you just dont get it
we are too different

now I erase everything
so you wont find me
fed up of guarding the door everynight
conjuring violence up just incase I need it
My fairy is sick
I know who I am
And this is not it
So goodbye
Lick the black soot from the pavements
I will run through meadows
And come back for them

I need a break from this war
I dont know if this is me out forever
or until...


www.youtube.com/watch?v=ej3SmD…

I only write journals when I am under the influence of something.

I drank some  rum early, the cheapest most digusting rum ever, the last time I drank it I threw it back up when I was trying to swollow it and it went on my pillow, I felt trashy and unhygenic.

I dont enjoy drinking alcohol. I enjoy some of the effects, the fact that I feel like im not directly in my body and floating around some place else warm and comfy, any pain I had floats away and I become a really nice person, talkative and the whole room enjoys me, im not sure whether thats because I really do become so nice and cheerful and funny, or whether im that drunk im making a fool out of myself and everyone looks out of pure pity or because there is nothing else to look at, or something else.

I have been called a drama queen. But I dislike quiet moody drunk people or those who try to act like they are not drinking, what is the point in drinking alcohol if you plan to carry on as you always do.

Alcohol effects me weirdly, I had operations on my inners as a teenager and before then I could drink whole bottles of vodka and I would be drunk but after the operations I drink like two glasses of wine and I get the raised eyebrow and looks of pity from my drunkenness. People think im on drugs all the time but I can just have more than one cup of coffee and its like I have taken ectasty, okay i  have never taken it but from the descriptions and what others tell me, it seems something happened to me which makes even just food effect me strongly like drugs. So then I darent ever even  because the effects would be 100x stronger than for your average person. I take guarana once and I thought I was dying and in the past my heart checked.

I am usually sick if I drink more than one or two glasses of alcohol. A time that always makes me laugh is being sick on my ex's shoes after I had eating seaweed so he had all sick and seaweed on his shoes. I think I still had feelings for him at the time so started crying about it, well I always care about some of them no matter how many years pass but its the adult thing to forcefully distance yourself from people and pretend that you dont care.

Life is FUNNY, funny doesnt even describe it, you think birth is  tramatic and then you think your childhood is tramatic, then you think your teen years are  tramatic and then you realise all of that was a HOOT. I think im possibly depressed again and need a kick up my anus, i just wish the kicker knows which place is the best place to kick me towards because it seems that many think the kicking is a good idea without knowing which direction to kick in, i think really they just want to kick the person out of their site so they arnt like a blood stained, urine smelling flannel in the corner of their white carpeted rooom

I hate talking like this, because i am a maniac, i am usually positive and understand the effects of  talking depressively, but i just need to let it out, and its my journal, if you read it obviously it was your choice and not the advertising that sucked you in.

One day I dont think im crazy, that im perfectly sane and its everyone else who is repressed and then the next day I want to see a psy-cry-a-trist a shrink, because there are at least several serious psycological disorders I could possibly have.

Thing is I see several psychics also, I only see them when they have gotten to much right to be wrong

I havnt been on here for a long time and dont get much time on the internet so spend more time on FB than anything else, if you are on FB I would love to add you if you want me to do that is either give me your name in the comments of PM me

Hey guys,

I am sorry about all the PM's and comments I have not gotten back @ yet. Please understand that its not that I do not care or have forgotten about you but I have been extremely busy and only have 2 mins or so to check my account.

I am also looking for a band at the moment, so if you know anybody who might be suitable musician for my style of music  do let me know, I will be thankful for this lifetime and maybe the next depending exactly how that pans? out.

Claim you didnt drink
Eyes in the back of my head
My life depends on you telling the truth
Tell me, whos the lion and whos the shifter?
Sorry to drag you into this
But your ancestors been drawing in the sand
And I just cant let go
And I've just realised that nobodies advice ever worked
This is just something we will just have to figure out
So if you hear me in the darkness
If you feel me when your out walking
Im just saying I know that you remember sometimes, yes those memories are yours.
Talk to me

Before rabbit starvation,
Danse Macabre,
Drowning in the bathtub, I still only see your face

Help me back to reality
Lets dress you up
Grey wigs and greek clothes
Now comfort me

Beat me
Whatever it takes to wake me up
I only wish for your memory to return
If I bleed onto your streets?